Saturday, November 28, 2009

Give Us a Season 2 of Bite Me, With Dr. Mike

This past June I came across one of the most charismatic fellows I have ever seen on the Travel channel. Seriously, this guy had the charisma of Steve Erwin, and the energy of a bright and beautiful child.

His name?

Dr. Mike; and this June he had me captivated with his very first episode of, Bite Me, With Dr. Mike.

You see, what made him so spectacular, was that his adventures were fun, they didn't focus on Bizzare Foods or funny joke cracking guys trying to stuff burritos down their throats in under 2 hours.

Dr. Mike went 'down under', he took his viewers along with him on his travel adventures, and he was not afraid to get dirty...or even play host to worms! He gave us an up close and personal look at creatures, and countries many of us will never get the opportunity to visit.

Dr. Mike brought us tall around the globe, and taught us about some of the smaller creatures that usually go unnoticed, or unrecognized, while teaching us some safety measures to use if we ever were to visit some of the locations he ventured to.

Bite Me, With Dr. Mike was fun, adventurous, and energetic. He could seriously travel down into a sewer and I would still find it fascinating!

Unfortunately I was not able to find any information on whether or not the Travel Channel would be giving him a season 2! I mean seriously how could they not? No show, and I mean no show, can come close to the personality and adventures that Dr. Mike's show brought to us.

So please give us a season 2 of Bite Me, With Dr. Mike! This was one of Travel Channels only shows that actually focused on 'travel', and adventure and lands many of us have never seen. We want more! The fans want more!

Sims 3 World Adventures, My Sim is Invisible, and Stuck on Vacation - How to Fix It

My Post also seen on Associated content-

Those of you who went out and bought the expansion pack The Sims 3 World Adventures on its release date were presented with a heap of problems, bugs, and annoying glitches. From disappearing towns, vanishing Sims, and the dreaded error code 16 while attempting to save.

The issue I was presented with goes as follows:

My lovely Laura Sim decided to take her very first vacation to China. Everything went well without an issue. She completed missions, went diving in hidden cave pools, and even found some relics to bring back home with her to Sunset Valley.

Her vacation ended in 3 short days, and eventually she was sent packing. She made it home without any problems, and I even was able to place her relics inside of her home for decoration.

Then I went to save. I got the dreaded error code 16 while trying to save. I tried and tried again, with the same problem. I eventually got frustrated and quit the game without saving.

When I went to re-load the game. I noticed immediately that in the menu box there were no photos of my Sunset Valley town. They were gone. The blank file was still called Sunset Valley, so I clicked it.

When the game loaded I ended up in China, only my Sim had vanished, so all I was able to do was scroll around and look at China.

I didn't know how to fix it. I had nothing to do, my Sim was gone, and Sunset Valley? Hah, I had no access to it.

2 days later EA released a patch to fix the error code 16 problem.

I thought the patch would fix it. I figured my Sim would be back, and so would Sunset Valley.

When I loaded the game though, the same problem was still there. I was stuck in China, Laura had vanished, and Sunset Valley still was not showing up as a playable option.

I decided to take matters into my own hands, and it worked!

In China, I chose the edit town feature. I built a small house, and then went into my family inventory where Laura was. I chose her, and moved her into the home I just built in China.

Once she was in the home, I went into her inventory, dug out her cellphone, and would you believe it!? The option to 'Go Home' was presented on her caller list.

I chose Go Home, and immediately Laura was sent back to Sunset Valley. However she no longer lived in the original home she had in Sunset Valley. Her mind was still set on China, where she had a home. I decided to move her into an empty lot in Sunset Valley, where the game has worked without issue---so far.

So basically that is all you have to do.

If you are stuck on vacation, and your Sim, or Sims vanished, just edit the town, and move them into a house, or empty lot. From there, use the cell phone and chose the 'go home' option.

It will take you back to your hometown. From there you will have to set them up in a new house, as they will no longer recognize their original home, in their original hometown as their home.

Thank God for the fix! I thought I lost everything. I just feel sorry for all of the gamers who un-installed the game and lost everything

Americas Next Top Model, Cycle 13 Winner Is...

Nicole!!! You Go Girl!!!

That's right, for the first time in America's Next Top Model history the judges finally picked the girl I wanted to see win...but besides that, Nicole made history by being th first 'short winner on America's Next Top Model'.

Cycle 13 was the first cycle in the shows history to give girls who were less than average, as far as height goes in the modeling industry.
America's Next Top Model, Cycle 13; And the Winner Is..

For those of you who missed the episode, here is a quick little recap.

Our two remaining contestants Nicole an Laura were immediately launched into the season finale by being given their lines for a commercial for CoverGirl. The next day the two took turns trying their best to memorize their lines, while delivering a friendly CoverGirl commercial, while remembering to model at the same time.

Laura beat her dyslexia by remaining calm, cool and collected, even when she forgot a few lines.

Nicole looked stunning with her red fro straightened, while she too delivered remarkable lines for her commercial. Jay mentioned that she came off on camera a bit snobby, but I failed to recognize it. I guess if I hadn't liked her through the duration of the show, I would have seen it too.

After the commercial the girls were taken to their final photo shoot. This is the photo that would be used as a cover for Seventeen Magazine.

Both girls seemed to delight Nigel, whom was the photographer on the shoot.

The following day the girls will go ad to head during a cat walk. This is the final showdown before the official winner is chosen. A nice little twist with this seasons cat walk though was that girls who got booted off weeks prior would also be walking in the show, so the nice addition of previous contestants was neat; all except for the blond girl... (I forgot her name already because she was seriously that bland, boring, and sickly looking).

When asked which girl she thought should win, her reply was; 'Besides myself; Laura'.

Yuck! They sent you home for a reason, yawn-fest anyone? Does anyone even remember her name? I know I don't.

Anyhow, the cat walk begins, and I have to say for the first time ever I was not impressed at all with either of them. Maybe it was the energy of the show that was lacking, but this was the first cat walk on ANTM that didn't have me in awe.

Both girls seemed to clobber down the runway, and seemed bow-legged, and at this point I did not have a clue who would win. They both seemed so neck and neck, and the judges always seemed to lean towards liking Laura more.

After the show ended, the winner was announced. Laura didn't make the cut.

Our awkward lovable red head Nicole took the win, and I was very happy for her. I wanted her to win. For me personally, Nicole was the girl fans could relate to most. She is not snobby, and she is comfortable in her own skin. What makes her so likable is the fact that everyone has a friend like her; the warm awkward friend, with the Daria like personality. They are alluring in their own special, mysterious, unique and beautiful way.

I guess this is a decent make-up for last seasons dreadful ending. I still think Allison should have taken the win. I guess Tyra knew that too, and that was why they picked the awkward girl this season. Because the awkward girl rocks! Hello!

Friday, November 13, 2009

The City, Season 2- Episode 7 Recap

This week on The City, Season 2, Episode 7 we watch as Roxy nearly nails a permanent nail into Whitney's career coffin.

We start off with the girls in a meeting being told by their boss Kelly. While one of the other workers is giving a verbal explanation of what's going to be happening, Roxy whispers to someone to ask for a pen. Kelly is furious by this and calls her out on it.

Next Kelly talks about an upcoming event that will be taking place in Miami. Kelly tells Whitney that she wants her to come along to Miami for the event, and mentions her clothing line. The girl sitting next to Kelly seems less than enthusiastic, while Whitney beams at the opportunity.

Kelly sees that Roxy looks bummed out that Whitney is going, and she is not. Kelly tells Roxy that she too can join in for the event, and that it will be good training for her. Roxy and Whitney smile like giddy schoolgirls.

Kelly lets them all know though that they are there to work, and not to party and to not put anything on the room charge because she is not paying the bill.

Next we watch as the girls arrive to their hotel room, which is a beautiful room with a killer view of Miami Beach. Immediately we see that Whitney wants to do things the way they are supposed to be done, while Roxy insists they go lay on the beach.

Whitney tells her they are there to work, and that they should eat something outside of the room, so that way the room is not charged. Roxy pouts.

Next we fast forward to Olivia whom is also scheduled to fly down to Miami to cover the events for Elle and bring back any and all information she can about what is in, fashion, and whatever else she does? Naturally she is paired with Erin who completely hates her existence.

Erin is snide to Olivia on the plane, and mentions the numerous trade shows and asks her if she is going to any of them. Olivia tells her no, and that she is covering everything she has on her list. Basically it was Erin's silent way of telling Olivia to go to the trade shows, without telling her. It honestly was obvious, but Olivia did not catch on, and Erin was not about to force her to go.

Skip ahead to Whitney and Roxy at a night club in Miami. The camera oddly displays some weird sweaty guy bobbing his head like a moron too quickly to the music playing. Turns out Whitney knew this character, so the extra footage was necessary...I guess?

Roxy immediately steals the attention of this guy, while Whitney excuses herself to go to the bathroom. The sweaty drunk guy puts some lame moves on Roxy, and she bites them up like bait and asks him if he wants to go somewhere else. Ew.

Whitney comes out of the bathroom to discover that Roxy left.

We also learn that Roxy never came back to the hotel room, because the two meet up the following day at the big event and have a micro verbal spat. It was a bunch of, where were you? I called you, you never answered. Followed by lies told by Roxy.

It seemed like the beginning of the end of their friendship. Thank God.

Just as the argument is going on Kelly comes up to both of them and interrupts them. She tells them that there is a million things that need to get done, and that they should not be just standing around wasting time, in a much meaner way of course. Haha!

Whitney looks furious with Roxy, and Roxy still has that 'whatever, I think I'm a star' demeanor.

Thankfully the event went well, and Kelly seems happy with how it turned out.

Back at the office Whitney and Roxy are sitting near one another when Kelly walks in to basically tell them that what they did at the event was unacceptable, embarrassing, and if it happens again they can get another job.

Idiotic Roxy mutters to Whitney, 'She didn't have one nice thing to say!'

Kelly overhears her and begins to yell at them once again. Kelly once again lets Whitney know that perhaps being friends at work, and outside of work is probably not a good idea for her career. She tells it to both of them, but we all know that statement was meant for Whit.

Whitney sits there with her head down.

Roxy has to again have the final word, as she whispers under her breath, 'Somebody's got PMS.'

Back to Olivia.

After the events are done, we watch as Olivia and Erin sit down with their boss Joe, and a few others to report exactly what they saw at these events.

Erin tells him that everything went smoothly, and perfectly.

Joe moves on to Olivia to ask her what she saw at the events, and what she has to report back to him. Olivia lets him know about the modern futuristic look, and that one pieces seemed to be really in for the season. Joe then asks her about the trade shows.

Olivia is stumped because she was not aware she was supposed to go. Erin jumps in to tell Joe that she asked her if she was going to them, and she kept saying no. Olivia tells Joe that she never told her she 'had' to go to them. Erin basically tries to embarrass Olivia in front of Joe, and the other clients that were there. After the others leave, Joe has a quick meet with both girls.

He takes Olivia's side this round once again, and tells Erin he does not like the bickering, and that the two should be working together to make work on both of them easier. That Erin should have told Olivia to go to the trade shows.

Olivia smiles like she just won an Olympic gold medal, and says that she would love help from Erin.

We all know Olivia is full of it. Haha, but it was still fun to watch her smile like she really meant it.

We pretty much end it there.

MTV's sneak peek into next weeks episode shows Whitney mentioning a blind date, and it seems that her and Roxy are on good terms. I figured Whitney would have kicked her out by now, but I guess not.

We also see Erin once again complaining to Joe about Olivia, on how she should not have to hold Olivia's hand, because no one held hers when she started working. Erin is just holding that grudge when Olivia told her off. Erin deserved it though, because when she first was introduced to Olivia by Joe, Erin came off as a real crass and nasty person, who thought she owned the place.

Once again I'm still with Team Olivia this week.

The Hills, Season 6, Episode 7 Recap: On To The Next

On to the Next
-My post also on AC

So fans of The Hills, if you caught last nights season 6, episode 7 (On To The Next), than kudos. The lame little bar kitty, kitty, meow, meow, meow face off between Kristen and Jayde is probably as good as it is going to get as far as drama goes.

For those of you who missed it, fear not. I'm back for another weekly recap.

Let's start with Spencer and Heidi.

Heidi once again is yammering on about how she wants to have a baby with Spencer. Spencer compares the dogs he got for her birthday to babies, and bing, bang, badda, boo. The baby issue is still up in the air. Heidi wants to get busy immediately, while Spencer wants to wait.

Later on Spencer decides to go see a doctor in order to get his man parts snipped. After he finds out the procedure is irreversible, he leaves and tells Heidi about it later on. She huffs, puffs, walks away and likely will get her baby rather quickly after this episode. If she's not already knocked up that is.

Skip to Kristen.

Kristen and Brody are out having dinner. Kristen seems keen on the whole Brody and Kristin sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g game. She knows though that he and Jayde are on a break, and she tells him that she is afraid to be in a relationship with him because she thinks he will hurt her and get back with Jayde.

While sitting cozily at a club with one another, Jayde walks in and catches Brody with his arm around Kristen. Jayde's posse tells her that she needs to go up to them and confront them. She takes their advice and walks over to both Brody and Kristen wearing her fight face and asks Brody 'What the F*&@ he is doing!'

I'm not sure how it all happened, but before we know it the camera is going batty, and we see that Kristen is trying to act tough by spatting obscenities at Jayde, and Jayde is doing the same thing. I wish that no one held them back, I would have liked to of seen who would have taken who. I'm pretty sure Kristen wouldn't of had a chance in hell against Jayde.

After the showdown with Jayde, Brody tells Kristen that he and Jayde are over, and he will never ever get back with her again.

On to Audrina.

Audrina meets with Lo and tells her that she is meeting with Justin for dinner. Audrina seems to think that he and her are back on good terms. She tells Lo without officially telling her that she is basically obsessed with him. Obviously she is and God only knows why.

Anyhow, she meets up with Justin where the dinner did not go quite as planned.

Justin is his usual dirt-bag self and pretty much goes on about how he thinks her meeting up with his best friend Derek was some sort of pay back for all the things he had done to her in the past.

The entire conversation seemed like nothing more than a power control issue to get Audrina to feel bad for doing him wrong. Please, the girl righteously deserves a lifetime amount of 'free passes' to do whatever she wants, with whomever she wants. Justin can go out and be a sleaze, and she's supposed to sit back and just accept that. Whatever.

Justin adds more salt and lemon juice to the wound by telling Audrina that Kristen did something to him (like what, MTV offered you more money to play with her?). Basically he is trying to get Audrina to believe he is smitten with Kristen.

Audrina gets up, leaves him there alone and walks out before dinner even starts. Good! Hopefully this will be her last walk of shame.

Next weeks episode looks pretty boring. Basically from the previews MTV gave us, it seems that Brody is going to get back with Jayde. It also shows us Kristen airing her voice-mail she got from Justin to the bar girl Stacie while sitting on a couch. Unfortunately after rewinding the part with Justin's voice-mail about 10 times, I was not able to decipher what he was saying, which was frustrating.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Ghost Adventures Live, and the Robert Bess Controversy. Did He Throw The Meter?

My post also on AC.

I had to Tivo Ghost Adventure Live the other night. Although I think Zak is hot, and Aaron and Nick to be adorable, I could not sit through 7 hours of investigation.

Since the Live event aired, I have been catching parts of the event in 2 hour intervals, and finally finished the entire thing last night.

One scene in particular bothered me though, and this one scene has been the center of controversy ever since it aired live on TV.

Robert Bess a third party investigator came in with his Parabot. Basically this thing is a huge dangerous contained lightning machine. Sadly I couldn't really get the gist of what it did, because everyone kept talking at the same time, so I only got a brief understanding of Roberts invention.

Basically it attracts spirits.


Now nothing against the Ghost Adventures team, again they are without a doubt my favorite team of investigators to watch. They are all easy on the eyes, and all have personalities that are easily likable.

When Robert Bess came in though with his parabot, I was excited to see how it would work. After a blunder and equipment failure, the parabot was finally up and running. It had an annoying click, click noise like one of those lightning balls you can buy in stores like Spencer's.

Anyhow, quickly the energy in the room is high, but I can't feel energy through the TV, so I have to just take their word for it. I have no problem swallowing that and I trust the Ghost Adventure crew, but something about Robert Bess just did not rub me the right way, nor did anything that happened with him seem credible.

Bess seemed to get attacked and pushed into a door, when the camera was not near him. That easily could have been staged.

Another incident where Zak hears a scream moan type noise, clearly was Bess, (I could tell by the voice), however when Zak asked, he does not take credit for making the noise.

The worst thing to unfold with Robert though was when an EMF meter gets thrown from his hand. Thanks to Tivo though, after reviewing the footage, over, and over again it seemed to me like he did a quick snap of the wrist, and flung the meter himself. I mean honestly, you do not even have to have a good eye to catch the flick of the wrist action.

At any rate, this footage is found on numerous YouTube videos, so you can have a look and decide for yourself. For me personally, it looks like he threw it.

Reasons Why Buying a Tivo HD is Better Than Cablevisions HD DVR

Cablevision DVR vs. Tivo HD

I'm a DVR pioneer. The very moment I found out about this fantastic technology for my TV viewing pleasures, I was one of the first on board to ordering my TIVO DVR. Although I was new to the entire concept, and setting up my TIVO was a royal pain in the rear, I honestly could not have been happier. Having the ability to record all of my favorite shows, having the ability to fast forward, rewind, and pause live TV; I mean seriously, it does not get any more kosher than that.

Then one fine day I talked myself into buying an HDTV. Sweet delicious HDTV, with a full blow your eyes away 1080p. And why not? I spend most of my free time watching TV anyway, so why not fully amp up my viewing pleasures with an HDTV!?

After hooking up my new eye orgasm of a television, I realized that there was one problem, one very huge problem. My old school TIVO gave off some really horrible picture clarity. I bought the HDTV for the clarity, and with TIVO hooked up to it, things were not kosher at all, not even by a long shot.

I desperately wanted to get myself a TIVO HD DVR, but at the asking price that came to nearly the same jaw dropping price as the HDTV, I said 'heck no', and headed down to Cablevision to upgrade my digital cable box, to a digital HD DVR box.

After hooking it all up, immediately I hated the browsing menus, and the confusing recording options. However I got used to it, but after a year of owning Cablevisions box, I have jotted down all of the reasons why you should just spend the extra loot on a TIVO HD DVR, and why I will be adding one to my Christmas wish list this year.

1. If you set up your Cablevision DVR box to record your favorite show, sometimes it decides it does not want to. While you think that all of your Ghost Adventure episodes are being recorded, you come home to find that the box decided it did not want to record it, even though you set it up to do so.

2. For some bizarre reason my Cablevision box refuses to even acknowledge that FOX 5 is a channel. If you try to record something on this channel, expect to come home, hit play on your FOX 5 show, only to discover a pure black nothingness of a show.

3. My Cablevision DVR has been returned to Cablevision 4 times in just one year.

The first time they gave me a new DVR, which stopped working just a week after owning it.

The second box died a month later.

The third time Cablevision decided that it must have been something I was doing wrong, so they sent over a team of third party morons who set up the new box in the same manner I had set up previous boxes. The downside to this was a delicious service fee.

This box stopped working a few months later. The cycle is a non-stop pain in the butt. I had to demand the 4th box be brand new, and not a refurbished box, like all of the previous models were they had given me.

4. The channel guide menu only allows you to see ahead 1 week. With TIVO you could see what was playing for an entire month before it was even on, saving you time having to weed through the guide.

5. The Cablevision DVR will sometimes have a hiccup. These hiccups occur around once a month, where you will come home expecting to watch some TV, only to find that your Cable box is in BOOT mode. You have to wait a few long minutes for the box to fully load up. If the box had a hiccup, expect to have to add very single program you had on your record list, back onto the DVR again. Fun!

6. The pause button on the Cablevision DVR decides sometimes it does not want to let you pause it. This in turn ends up becoming a frustrating button mashing, smashing good time.

7. The audio sometimes decides to just blip out. This is not an issue with my TV, as I have heard from others that their Cable DVR box does the same exact thing. The fix, is to shut off the cable box, and to turn it back on. Reason? Unknown.

8. Don't even get me started on Cablevisions horrible guide browsing. Browsing through the guide menu is a slow and painful quest. On Tivo, you hit guide and it immediately takes you to a well organized list of whats on for the week/month. Browsing on Tivo is quick, and not once have I ever experienced slow times. Cables HD DVR is slow, only saves up to a weeks worth of viewing content, and browsing thorough it is slow and annoying.

In conclusion a Cablevison DVR is much cheaper, but it will function like a dollar store battery. You get what you pay for.

A Tivo HD in my opinion is the way to go. Tivo runs flawlessly, and you can guarantee that what you tell it to record, it will record!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Chance and Hot Wings, The Aftermath of Real Chance of Love 2! Are They Still Together?

OK VH1 hear me out, I adore your love reality shows, as ridiculous as 'finding love by hooking up with a batch of girls' is, I still continue to watch your reality shows...but seriously if you want to keep a fan base when it comes to the reality madness, at least force your stars to 'pretend to be together'; at least for a little bit after the final show.

I knew Chance should have chosen Mammacita, the two of them hit it off so well, and she seemed to really love him. I guess the rolling tears and the love sob story given off by Hot Wings during the final ceremony sold Chance, so he picked her, while Mammacita stood in the background looking clueless. Damn girl, you should have tried harder!!!

No matter though, because even after picking Hot Wings, the relationship between Hot Wings and Chance died dead just as soon as the cameras shut off. How original?!

The sad thing however is that both guys consistently pointed out that they were looking for a real girl to kick it with, a real relationship, and real love. Phooey!

Hot wings shed real tears, all to be exploited for ratings.

No matter though, because Hot Wings shared a delightful interview on VH1 Blog to give us her side of the story, which was not much, considering all contact from Chance ended the moment the cameras shut down.

However Hot Wings has never been one to bite her tongue, she shared with fans a few details that were edited out of the show, which will probably surprise a few of you, so for the full dirt report, check out Hot Wings interview! Click here to be taken to interview.

We Want To See Becky Buckwild and Frank The Entertainer On VH1, On Their Own Show

never really leaned towards liking the villain's. Frank was the bully on I Love Money 2, but originally came to reality fame thanks to I Love New York, I Love Money, and probably a few other VH1 reality shows that I cannot even recall.

Becky Buckwild scooped up her fame to reality shame thanks to Flavor of Love, and Charm School, where we saw a more humble and innocent side of Becky.

Throw this dirty playing pair into a beautiful mansion together, and watch the flames ignite as they work and fail together.

Becky and Frank got really close in I Love Money 2, and Becky seemed to be moving around like the little Entertainment pawn she was. Yep, Frank charmed her, he had her under his thumb.

After the show came to an end though, the rumor mill began circulating that these 2 were a sort of couple, but no one was surely for sure? There were even twitter fighting going on between the two. I didn't bother to follow it.

At any rate, even if the relationship is real or fake, what a frigging cash cow the two are together. Frank is nuts, Becky is nuts, and together VH1 could easily break rating history.

People love to love Frank, and love to hate him (gosh, even having his parent on the show would be killer for ratings), the same tune rings for Becky. One minute she is a humble angelic beautiful person, and the next minute, the lighting hits her face at a bad angle and her evil colors shine through..thus making us hate her again.

Hate them, or love them though, Frank The Entertainer, and Becky Buckwild would make for one hell of an awesome show and VH1 should make note of that.

These 2 are reality star pioneers, and fans want to see them again, we are not quite done loving, and hating the duo. Give us more!

If you can remember that lame reality saga with the Brady Bunch guy, and that chick from America's Next Top Model, Adrienne, then you will see the direction I'm headed at.

That Brady stuff was boring compared to the stuff Becky and Frank could come up with. VH1 hear us!

Hey VH1 We Want a Reunion Show for Real Chance of Love 2

Hey darlings, I bet you are just as mad as I am.

Let me guess, you followed every single stinkin episode of Real Chance of Love 2, only to discover...uhm... nothing about the reunion show!

VH1 seems to think it is OK to just throw us out an interview or two on their blog with the shows winners, and that is that! Well, I am not having that. I want a reunion show. I want all the spit, slaps, and cussing I can handle, and I want to laugh as the women go head to head with their verbal insults on each other, and on the guys.

Apparently I am not the only angry fan of the show, there is a petition going on right now to have people sign in hopes that VH1 will pay attention and give us what we have been demanding, a reunion show!

We want all the updates, we want to see who got fat, who got thin, who looks uglier, and who looks hotter than they originally did on the show.

I personally think it's pretty messed up of VH1, we also have never been given any updates on Meghan Hauserman, and whether or not she will ever be given a new show. Personally I hope they start her off from scratch with a brand new show.

At any rate, you can sign the twititon for a reunion show, by clicking here.

Last years reunion:

Fun Fart Terms - A Mini Dictionary of Fart Types, and What They Mean

I wrote this one ages ago, and felt like sharing:

The Bottom Line Pffft, ffffff, sssssffffpppppffft,,,,,rrrrraaaannnnnnttttt,,,fffft, pppphhhhhffffttt. Whoa.

Okay so today I felt like talking about the funniest subject in the world. (At least according to my immature standards) FARTS! I mean come on, even in my 80's I'm still going to chuckle at the little green gas. Even the word makes me giggle. It's probably the only joke a person can do, that never grows old; or boring.

So here are my terms. Feel free to add some in my comments section. As I'm sure this list will grow.

Drive By-

This is a form of gas so foggy, smelly, and nasty that even you can't bare the stench of it. Usually these types of farts occur in a shopping center. Your only hope is to quickly run by as many people you can and get out of there, so no eyes look upon you as the person who let loose. You manage to get away from the fart... but oh gee, looks like it followed you. Time to make your way to the next isle- this is where you hear other shoppers going 'phhhew, whats that awful smell'-'mommy my eyes hurt'. -Theres no escaping this fart. It's almost as if it's attached itself to your pants.


You're on a first date. You're stomach is tied in knots, and theres been this bubble of gas stuck in between your butt checks for almost 2 minutes. The gas bubble is getting stronger, it has friends backing it up as well. Before you know it, out pops a firecracker of a fart followed by waves of other farts that forced the first one out. That's what you get for trying to hold it in.

Run doos-

These little fellars make themselves present while you're running. Usually with each step you place your foot on the ground, another one plops out. -Better hope no one is behind you.

Gone with the wind-

These are probably one of my favorites. They occur on windy days. They're most fun when you're in a city with mobs of people behind you. You yourself don't get the benefits of smelling your good deeds, but everyone 15 feet behind you does. The wind up and swooped that one right into their noses. You smile, and continue walking.

Bat outta Hells-

These farts occur out of nowhere. Even you're shocked. You didn't even get a moment to preform the squeegie. This fart is usually loud and forceful. Everyone around you knows you did it, and theres no denying it. You can either go with the respectful 'excuse me', or laugh.
I usually go with the second.


Someone says something funny- naturally you laugh. But would you listen to that. Your bung thought it was funny too. pfft pfft pppppfffff-

Road Traps-

These bad boys occur in the car. Usually 24 hours after eating taco bell. They also tend to pop up when someone else is in the car with you. These farts probably benefit you the most, because you can easily roll up the windows and let everyone else enjoy the fragrances.

Sonic Booms-

These come like a bat outta hell, as well. Only people can hear them in the next room when you let one of these bad boys rip. These types of farts can be dangerous. Usually after you pass a Sonic Boom, you say- I think I just ripped me a new -------. Sonic Booms can also be semi painful.


These farts are usually warm. Perhaps too warm. They weeze out with some rumbling noises. These farts usually stink bad. After expelling a Poopsie daisy it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom. Otherwise you may shart.


Farts followed by ----, sometimes result in accidents in your pants. Very, very embarrassing.


This is a fart that usually happens in the morning, while your lying in bed alone. No one is ever around to hear it, which angers you later on. Who is going to believe that your fart lasted almost 2 minutes long? It's like a treasure that your body only will share with you.


These farts are somewhat incredible. After passing a lightweight, you yourself feel as if you lost a few pounds. Your pants fit better, and you just feel better. I think you can also call this fart a Healthy Fart. -The diet fart.

Vanishing fart-

These are disappointing. It usually makes no sound at all. So automatically you think it's going to stink.
-Your friend is sitting right next to you. -You keep on a straight face, and try not to laugh, because you want them to get stuck smellin' it. But a few seconds go by, you burst out laughing. Your friend looks at you like you're a moron. You think- oh any minute now, it'll be crawling right up their nose, all in their face.... only it never does. The fart vanished, and no traces were left behind. Dang*- aka 'the clean fart'

Stale Fart-

These occur at night. Under the covers. You're too lazy too wiff the blankets around, to let the smelly thing out from under the covers. An hour goes by, and you notice the fart is escaping from the covers. Only its got this rotten old smell to it. Thats a stale fart.

Uninvited Farts-

This fart is probably the most annoying. The only one you don't want to occur. They happen to pop out and say hello during extremely important events, such as business meetings, weddings and funerals. You even took gas-X a few hours before to stop such an occurrence. Only this fart is filled with vengeance. It's loud, its foul, and it's usually always done in front of some stuck up yuppie with something to say about it.


The something must be wrong farts pop out about every 15 minutes. But they don't stop. They keep on coming, and coming, all day long! With each one that you pass the smell is worse than the last.
By the time noon occurs they're so hot and steamy that you 'know' something is wrong. You're amazed that you haven't sharted yet.
By the time bedtime arrives, you're so sick of yourself that you feel like punching your stomach, and telling the farts to stop! They're now smelling so bad that they are waking you up in your sleep. Your partner has already decided to go sleep in the living room because of your stench. If these farts still occur in the morning, you start thinking that you need to get your colon cleaned.

Breakfast Break-

Breakfast break farts are pretty funny. They tend to smell exactly like your breakfast, that you ate an hour ago. Bacon and eggs. - These are great when you pass them in a small office, and someone walks in and says 'mmm was someone just eating bacon and eggs in here?- God I'm so hungry now!' ----Yeah he wants tah eat my fart for breakfast! Yes!
You get much satisfaction from these farts, especially if it happens to be your boss, wanting to munch down on your fart.


Vocal poofs are fun farts. They come out almost singing. They're probably the ones that will grab the most laughs in a crowded room. They go from a low note, to a high note, then back down; followed by a small chorus of wheezing. What a hoot!

Echoing Wails-

These little buggers are probably the most embarrassing. They tend to only occur when you have to use one of them public bathrooms. Usually the bathroom is filled with people. You try to be silent. You even wait for most of them to leave before doing your doo. But doodies got some buddies. Doesn't he always. They're not shy either. They come spraying out in bucket loads. The farts though aren't that loud. But the echo sure is.
Before you know it, you've got some little punk kid laughing his rear end off in the next stall over. Stupid kid though, went and passed himself a few gigglegoos. Take that! You wait till you hear no one else in the bathroom. Its now safe to show your face.
So you thought. Usually theres someone still washing their hands. They don't dare make eye contact with you. You pig, you!


This fart comes from someone else. Usually a co worker, or a student sitting next to you in class. You know them, but your not sure if you should laugh at them, or just pretend you didn't hear it. Each choice has either a positive or negative outcome. You're not sure which though.

Powdered Fart-

These gases come from extreme girly girls. The weak farts. A girl rushes by you, and suddenly you smell a mixture of fart with baby powder. They're probably worse than the poopsiedaisys, because 25 year old women shouldn't be powdering their bums. They also smell extremely un-natural. Aka Sissy fart.


These types of rarities only happen when your feeling extremely thoughtful. You feel a fart about to push its way out into the world. But you want to hold onto it for just a little longer. You cup your hands around your bum, and catch the little newborn. The next ritual you perform quickly is the ScoopNSwoop.-
Yup- now quickly before the fart gets away, you swoop it on over to someone standing nearby. How thoughtful of you to share.

I'm sure there are tons more. But here is just a little list I compiled, and felt like sharing. ;) Pffffftttt.