I wrote this one ages ago, and felt like sharing:
The Bottom Line Pffft, ffffff, sssssffffpppppffft,,,,,rrrrraaaannnnnnttttt,,,fffft, pppphhhhhffffttt. Whoa.
Okay so today I felt like talking about the funniest subject in the world. (At least according to my immature standards) FARTS! I mean come on, even in my 80's I'm still going to chuckle at the little green gas. Even the word makes me giggle. It's probably the only joke a person can do, that never grows old; or boring.
So here are my terms. Feel free to add some in my comments section. As I'm sure this list will grow.
This is a form of gas so foggy, smelly, and nasty that even you can't bare the stench of it. Usually these types of farts occur in a shopping center. Your only hope is to quickly run by as many people you can and get out of there, so no eyes look upon you as the person who let loose. You manage to get away from the fart... but oh gee, looks like it followed you. Time to make your way to the next isle- this is where you hear other shoppers going 'phhhew, whats that awful smell'-'mommy my eyes hurt'. -Theres no escaping this fart. It's almost as if it's attached itself to your pants.
You're on a first date. You're stomach is tied in knots, and theres been this bubble of gas stuck in between your butt checks for almost 2 minutes. The gas bubble is getting stronger, it has friends backing it up as well. Before you know it, out pops a firecracker of a fart followed by waves of other farts that forced the first one out. That's what you get for trying to hold it in.
These little fellars make themselves present while you're running. Usually with each step you place your foot on the ground, another one plops out. -Better hope no one is behind you.
Gone with the wind-
These are probably one of my favorites. They occur on windy days. They're most fun when you're in a city with mobs of people behind you. You yourself don't get the benefits of smelling your good deeds, but everyone 15 feet behind you does. The wind up and swooped that one right into their noses. You smile, and continue walking.
Bat outta Hells-
These farts occur out of nowhere. Even you're shocked. You didn't even get a moment to preform the squeegie. This fart is usually loud and forceful. Everyone around you knows you did it, and theres no denying it. You can either go with the respectful 'excuse me', or laugh.
I usually go with the second.
Someone says something funny- naturally you laugh. But would you listen to that. Your bung thought it was funny too. pfft pfft pppppfffff-
These bad boys occur in the car. Usually 24 hours after eating taco bell. They also tend to pop up when someone else is in the car with you. These farts probably benefit you the most, because you can easily roll up the windows and let everyone else enjoy the fragrances.
These come like a bat outta hell, as well. Only people can hear them in the next room when you let one of these bad boys rip. These types of farts can be dangerous. Usually after you pass a Sonic Boom, you say- I think I just ripped me a new -------. Sonic Booms can also be semi painful.
These farts are usually warm. Perhaps too warm. They weeze out with some rumbling noises. These farts usually stink bad. After expelling a Poopsie daisy it would be a good idea to go to the bathroom. Otherwise you may shart.
Farts followed by ----, sometimes result in accidents in your pants. Very, very embarrassing.
This is a fart that usually happens in the morning, while your lying in bed alone. No one is ever around to hear it, which angers you later on. Who is going to believe that your fart lasted almost 2 minutes long? It's like a treasure that your body only will share with you.
These farts are somewhat incredible. After passing a lightweight, you yourself feel as if you lost a few pounds. Your pants fit better, and you just feel better. I think you can also call this fart a Healthy Fart. -The diet fart.
These are disappointing. It usually makes no sound at all. So automatically you think it's going to stink.
-Your friend is sitting right next to you. -You keep on a straight face, and try not to laugh, because you want them to get stuck smellin' it. But a few seconds go by, you burst out laughing. Your friend looks at you like you're a moron. You think- oh any minute now, it'll be crawling right up their nose, all in their face.... only it never does. The fart vanished, and no traces were left behind. Dang*- aka 'the clean fart'
These occur at night. Under the covers. You're too lazy too wiff the blankets around, to let the smelly thing out from under the covers. An hour goes by, and you notice the fart is escaping from the covers. Only its got this rotten old smell to it. Thats a stale fart.
This fart is probably the most annoying. The only one you don't want to occur. They happen to pop out and say hello during extremely important events, such as business meetings, weddings and funerals. You even took gas-X a few hours before to stop such an occurrence. Only this fart is filled with vengeance. It's loud, its foul, and it's usually always done in front of some stuck up yuppie with something to say about it.
The something must be wrong farts pop out about every 15 minutes. But they don't stop. They keep on coming, and coming, all day long! With each one that you pass the smell is worse than the last.
By the time noon occurs they're so hot and steamy that you 'know' something is wrong. You're amazed that you haven't sharted yet.
By the time bedtime arrives, you're so sick of yourself that you feel like punching your stomach, and telling the farts to stop! They're now smelling so bad that they are waking you up in your sleep. Your partner has already decided to go sleep in the living room because of your stench. If these farts still occur in the morning, you start thinking that you need to get your colon cleaned.
Breakfast break farts are pretty funny. They tend to smell exactly like your breakfast, that you ate an hour ago. Bacon and eggs. - These are great when you pass them in a small office, and someone walks in and says 'mmm was someone just eating bacon and eggs in here?- God I'm so hungry now!' ----Yeah he wants tah eat my fart for breakfast! Yes!
You get much satisfaction from these farts, especially if it happens to be your boss, wanting to munch down on your fart.
Vocal poofs are fun farts. They come out almost singing. They're probably the ones that will grab the most laughs in a crowded room. They go from a low note, to a high note, then back down; followed by a small chorus of wheezing. What a hoot!
These little buggers are probably the most embarrassing. They tend to only occur when you have to use one of them public bathrooms. Usually the bathroom is filled with people. You try to be silent. You even wait for most of them to leave before doing your doo. But doodies got some buddies. Doesn't he always. They're not shy either. They come spraying out in bucket loads. The farts though aren't that loud. But the echo sure is.
Before you know it, you've got some little punk kid laughing his rear end off in the next stall over. Stupid kid though, went and passed himself a few gigglegoos. Take that! You wait till you hear no one else in the bathroom. Its now safe to show your face.
So you thought. Usually theres someone still washing their hands. They don't dare make eye contact with you. You pig, you!
This fart comes from someone else. Usually a co worker, or a student sitting next to you in class. You know them, but your not sure if you should laugh at them, or just pretend you didn't hear it. Each choice has either a positive or negative outcome. You're not sure which though.
These gases come from extreme girly girls. The weak farts. A girl rushes by you, and suddenly you smell a mixture of fart with baby powder. They're probably worse than the poopsiedaisys, because 25 year old women shouldn't be powdering their bums. They also smell extremely un-natural. Aka Sissy fart.
These types of rarities only happen when your feeling extremely thoughtful. You feel a fart about to push its way out into the world. But you want to hold onto it for just a little longer. You cup your hands around your bum, and catch the little newborn. The next ritual you perform quickly is the ScoopNSwoop.-
Yup- now quickly before the fart gets away, you swoop it on over to someone standing nearby. How thoughtful of you to share.
I'm sure there are tons more. But here is just a little list I compiled, and felt like sharing. ;) Pffffftttt.