Thursday, July 31, 2014

Guide on Getting Revenge! Exes Beware!!!

Carrie Underwood was obviously a weak character when it came to her boyfriend cheating on her. It's obvious through her new song that she's new at this game called revenge. Come on now, who keys cars? That's so.. how shall I put this... LAME! Yeah it may sound like a cool idea in a song, but why start so pathetically small?
You see, some people just need lessons when it comes to revenge. This guide is pure evil, share it with all your girlfriends who have just had their hearts broken. I'm about to share some really excellent tips on how to take care of the ex.
Stop crying, he cheated on you. Don't dwell in the pain, or the anger. Get even, I find that when I get even my heart heals very fast and I am busy focusing on my next crime. The game becomes fun, cruel, and a bit over the top. But hey, what do you expect. When I get dumped, or I am wronged I am an emotional mess. I need someone to vent to, or on.
My first step is to gather my most evil of friends. You see you don't have to plot everything for yourself, the help of those around you can make revenge so much sweeter.
Ways in which I get revenge, and ways I have helped others get revenge.
Latest victim - Walter.
Walter - recently cheated on my cousin.
Status - My cousin was living with him for 4 years, thinking she was happily in love and in a great healthy relationship.
Damage - loss of time, broken heart, and the possibility of STD's.
Revenge.... oh this is going to be good. 4 years of my dear cousins life wasted on slime like this. Slime that could jeopardize my cousins health, well this is going to be huge. The great Gusto! The one all the girls will talk about.
My cousin was still living there at his house when we learned the news through a friend of his friends. I was present, and first I let her deal with the shock. He was inside when we told her the news. He was getting ready for work. Perfect. He was not going to be present. It's better this way. Having him around for this would just be bad.
First she got over the initial shock, got mad, got sick, threw up, and then cried a tad. These are the usual steps one goes through when they find out their other half is out screwing random slobs.
Once she was able to compose herself she began packing. She was coming to live with me. We didn't want her around this monster. Let him come home to an empty house and 'think' about why the house is empty. A true cheating moron would be confused, thinking he is slick, and even try and get her back after the fact.
Anyways, we helped pack her things, and then we sat, smoked a lot of cigarettes and began discussing what to do next. Walter would be out for another 10 hours. We had all the time in the world.
So...we had a yard sale. My cousin now needs some money to save up for her own home now. So instead of dragging everything on the lawn of his, we simply had an OPEN HOUSE YARD SALE.
These are the most fun, you open all doors, and let people in. Let them name a price, and take it. We got $10 for his TV, $20 for all of his expensive golf equipment, $10 for the leather couch, and another ten for all the lamps. It was a 10 dollar take all deal for those lamps. I watched as my cousin went from sad, to sort of happy. Watching all of his things go out the door made her mood go from bad to ok. I was happy to see that. Really happy. God I did wish though that I was there to see the look on his face when he came home to an empty house.
It honestly did not take long for nearly all of the contents in the house to walk out the door for dirt cheap. The point was not to make money, but to clear it out. In the midst of things emptying we found underwear that was not hers. She was angry again, so now we had to go to step 2.
Letter writing. Basically this letter should consist of how much she loved him, and how much he hurt her, and how the tables are going to turn. Its all in all a threat.
Walter cheated on her, and she basically knew that no matter what hell she was now going to put on him there was no way in hell he would call the cops. Because the cheater although he cheats still loves the girl he's two facing, oddly enough.
We then took the underwear and let them hang from the only fan left in the house and turned it on. You know a present, in case idiot doesn't know what he did.
After the letter is finished, and the belongings sold. I mean nearly everything. Leave a few pictures of you and him on the wall or kitchen counter, everything else though. Must go.
This includes, food in the fridge. If you are the one who had always cooked for him, like my cousin was, throw it all out. Let him fend for himself for a change. Also throw out shower curtains, and any other things you could not sell. In the bathroom be sure to take a big poo and to dip his toothbrush into it afterward. Leave the poo globing off of it, just so he sees it. We don't want him using the poo brush, we just want him to know we are messed up enough to do it in an obvious fashion. This will make him wonder what other nasty nasties you have left behind.
You want to break him down, instill fear.
Next expect the idiot to be calling you once he gets home, or showing up wherever you may be. You would be surprised how psycho cheaters are able to stalk you down after you leave. When he/she calls. Hang the phone up. Don't even give them a moment to 'talk it over'. Hang up the phone! Ignore all calls, and if necessary call the cops if they show up where you are.
Next lay low for a week or so. Round 2 comes next.
Round 2 insists of stalking. Have a group of friends that he does not know well watch him. You will be surprised at how fast he tries to move on to a new vagina in your absence. Once you know who these new vagina's are make yourself known to them. Let them know you are his ex, and that he dumped you because you are pregnant. Something sick on that line so she avoids him from there on out.
Round 2 also consists of ruining property. You already sold all he has left so you may as well begin ruining things. At night, or when he is not home, spray paint his car, fence, and house. Whichever one comes first does not matter.
Of course he will know you did it, but unless you are stupid and get caught red handed there is no proving it. Hah!
By now your heart probably feels much better, but why stop there. I would drive by every week and make sure I fill his mailbox with presents. You know, dog poop, kitty litter, mud, tampons, and sex toys such as large dildos, just so the neighbors can watch as he tries to hide it.
By now he should be sick and tired of your games. He may try and call you to apologize, or to yell. Either way, hang up. You're almost done anyway.
You can now let things go, and your heart should be all patched up and ready for round 3.
Round 3 can come months or even a year later. Out of the blue and far enough away so that way he never thinks it is you. Round 3 is messing with his career. The great Gusto in the whole scheme. If you have been with him long, it is obvious you know where he works. So sabotage it. Call his boss, or call his corporation. Pretend you are a disgruntled customer. The boss will most likely have a talk with him, and keep him anyway. However if you spread these calls out in 2 month time spans it will start to look like he honestly is a bad employee, and will eventually be let go.
This sort of thing can be difficult if he owns his own company.
So for those of you whom have exes whom own their own company's, there is nothing you can do there.
Fear not though, there are even more excellent steps when it comes to getting even with an Ex. Fake black magic. This is always fun and for your own personal amusement. My cousin had clothing of his, so we simply cut up his clothes and sewed together a little doll that resembled him. A voodoo doll if you will. We then placed the doll with pins in his mailbox. He of course knew it was the works of her, but eh.. by now you have stopped caring about what he thinks he knows vs what he does.
Almost every month we would then scatter his front lawn with chicken bones we would save up from past meals. We of course placed the bones in odd patterns that looked as if it had something to do with witchcraft.
Whether or not it scared him, the thought of being cursed is now instilled in his mind, and who knows he may create his own bad luck from here on out without the help of us.
They have been apart for some time now, and things are back to normal. However, you never know, when my cousin may get that painful pang and want to go for a round 4 or 5.
But by the time round 3 occurs most likely you are already back to your normal happy self, your heart healed and all, yet you continue just because... well, you are a little crazy, and it's fun! Hahahaha.
Ladies, and gentlemen, the moral of the story is 'be careful who you mess with. Be careful who you hurt, because no matter how innocent they may seem, each and every person has a demon inside just waiting to get to work.

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