Shark!!!! Tips on Avoiding Sharks!!!

I am petrified of sharks. Not to the point where I scream if I see one, or I start vomiting like them crazy loonies on the Maury show. I fear them enough though, and the reason is simple. Those son of a guns is out to get me!
I usually avoid the ocean, and the few times I have been there I have witnessed them slip by the waves as the lifeguards didn't even notice. They were too busy checking out the half naked hoochies that roam the beaches.
My real fear began when I was 7 though, when a ride on the kayak became a day I will never forget.
My dad was paddling along, my brother sat in the second seat, and I the brave and mighty one sat at the back tail dangling my feet into water. Suddenly my dad said he saw a fin.
My dad though was known to play jokes on us kids, so I looked around, and when I saw nothing continued to dangle my feet into the water. Suddenly I watched as a large fin swam around right where your truly was dangling her feet. I nearly fell over board in horror. This thing would eat me, I was sure of it. Why else was it so close to shore, in a bay? It was either one; hurt, or two; hungry. I watched the fin go back into the blue, and scampered to squeeze into the seat with my brother.
My dad, began to paddle like a bat outta hell. Suddenly there was a huge crash that came from the bottom of the kayak. The frigging thing was following us, and crashing into the kayak! The shake was not to the point where we were in fear of getting tipped. A few more strong strokes of the paddle and we were nearly on shore.
We hopped out, and watched as the shark began to circle the area looking for us, and finally disappearing into the water.
That was my first encounter with a shark.
I stood out of the bay/ocean for the rest of the summer, and stuck to swimming in lakes, until I learned that Bull Sharks are known to pass through bodies of fresh water. My swimming days hit a halt when I learned that fact.
My next encounter occurred about 2 years later when my cousin and I were left at the ocean all day. Waiting for hours and hours with no ride home we figured we'd enjoy the sun and walk back home when the sun was not so intense.
I recall wondering why the hell no one was in the water on this boiling hot day. I felt weird being the only one on the beach to go in the water, but I grew hot, and I needed a way to cool off. My cousin agreed, so we made our way into the water.
We swam around enjoying the water until I felt a bump on my leg. I freaked out, my first thought was SAND SHARK! I knew their bite would not be deadly, but hell, I could loose some toes. My cousin thought I was crazy and rested my mind by saying it was most likely a fish or rock that bumped into me when the wave went crashing in.
I continued to swim around some more, and then she let out a yelp. Turned out something 'bumped' her too. Suddenly as we were about to make our way out of the water a surfer came paddling up yelling that we need to get out. Okay, buddy! We um,, like are! Hello!
As soon as he got over to us, he explained that sand sharks (Told yah!) were mating in the area, and it was not safe to be in the water at this time.
I did not have to be told twice, my butt flew out of the water, in a fear induced rage. I was stumbling, taking in water, and felt like I would just die, or get eaten. Either or.
However I made it out alive, it was quite an ordeal. I stood out of water for years, years I tell yah! Then one day my boyfriend finally is able to drag me to the ocean. The day was boiling, and I truly wanted to go in and cool off. He tried resting my mind by telling me that sharks don't come this close in to shore, and I was safe in the break.
Just as we are walking down the stairwell to the ocean, my jaw dropped as a big great white (or at least I think it was a great white) goes cruising by the shore. No more than 20 feet out. Right there heading to the surfers, I swear it was going to eat them. The lifeguards like I said, missed the whole event. My boyfriend was shocked as well. In all the years he had gone surfing he had never seen one pass through the area. I show up and the damn thing knows it! It just knows it!
Of course I could not go in the water that day, instead I stood on shore and watched in fear as my boyfriend went bobbing up in down in the sharks hometown! He's crazy!
The following month the same thing happened. I now only swim in pools.
So me being the shark freak I am, I have compiled a way to put my mind to rest, and a guide on how to avoid getting bitten or eaten by a shark.
1. Um... stay out of the water. This is like abstinence, and is easier said than done. But yeah, this is the safest method to follow when trying to avoid sharks.
2. Do not, under any circumstances go in the water with your period. I don't care if your sloppy butt has a tampon shoved up the squid hole... them damn sharks can smell your clogged up period blood squishing all through the water. And do not go in even if your almost over the period. Almost does not mean there are no traces of blood in the water.
And keep your blood away from me! Ech! I don't want the sharks mistaking me for your bloody tampon.
3. Don't wear jewelry in the water, sharks and other large biting fish will mistake this at times for a dying shiner. If you value your fingers and your toes keep your jewelry at home if you MUST go in the water.
4. Don't ever go on boogie board or tube while a boat pulls you. Haven't you ever watched discovery, them great whites will fly right out the water to eat you!
5. Don't splash around. This is why the sharks come in close in the first place. If you see a stupid kids splashing around, dunk them under water for a few minutes. Besides, you don't want to get bit do you? Either that, take the kid out of the water and bring him to his mom. Tell his mom he tried to pull your top down. That should put the bratty splashing kid to rest. -This only works for women though. Sorry guys.
6. Punch that dang shark in the nose and the gills. It's not a myth, a biting shark may let up if you give em a damn good fight.
7. Don't swim around sandbars! Sheesh, they border sandbars, and sometimes will even be on them hunting for food. Stick to the break if you must go swimming.
After all is said and done, hopefully you don't get bitten this summer. Sharks do bite, they are deadly. But I can't stress it enough, we are invading their homes, so swim with care... muuuahahahahahaha!!!!!