Thursday, July 24, 2014

Ways to Avoid Receiving Festive Fisty Pudding! A Holiday Shoppers Survival Guide

Festive Fisty Pudding is a new term I just decided to make up and roll with today. I know you are probably wondering what the hell it means, but anyone with any sense, or brain cells should be able to figure it out pretty easily. For those of you who usually miss punchlines though, I will discuss what Festive Fisty Pudding is.

Festive Fisty Pudding is basically the holiday equivalent to 'getting your face punched in'.
You see during the holidays times are more stressful, with wallets growing thinner, and debt growing faster, electric and heating bills going up... and even though it's supposed to be the holly jolly time of year, people are more prone to just breaking down, which can result into some ugly fights. Which I like to call Festive Fisty Pudding.
You can avoid becoming a victim of Festive Fisty Pudding though but following some simple yet basic steps.

Rule #1
Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT steal someone else's parking spot. Last year I searched for about 20 minutes at our local mall looking for parking. Finally I stalked someone out, who was leaving their parking spot. Yay for me! Finally a frigging parking spot!

However as the car pulled out, I watched as another car comes screeching up the lot, and takes aim at MY spot! My spot that I had patiently been sitting there waiting for.

I know she sees my blinker, but she is sitting there, eying up my spot. I feel my heart racing, and I know this could get very, very ugly. Festive Fisty Pudding ugly.

Luckily for me, the car pulling out was pulling out in a way that revealed the space for me, before my competition parking spot thief.

Now just when I think I'm in the clear, this big disgusting woman, and her big gas guzzling SUV begin to inch up in a manner so I cannot fit.

Naturally what happened next was the first stages of Festive Fisty Pudding. I blow my horn, roll down the window, and vulgarities come spewing from my mouth like poetry. This is when she gives me the finger, and by now I'm seeing red. I got out of my car, and came toward her. Yup, ladies and gents, I was about to commit a random act of Festive Fisty Pudding.

I guess my caveman like instincts scared her away, because she backed out, and gave me the finger one last festive time. The cutest part... her Festiveness must have been contagious, because in the backseat of her car, 2 Festive Fisty middle fingers, 3 sizes too small also greeted me. Yup, like mommy bird, like baby birds.

Rule #2
Never ever, ever grab something from someone else's cart!

Are you seriously looking to get shot!?!?!
It is the age old story you have probably heard from someone time and time again. You happened to come across the 'last' of something on a shelf while shopping.
Someone else though was just 4 steps too short, and you, you ended up grabbing the last of the item... and then... out of nowhere a random act of selfish takes place.

The person who was 4 steps too short, grabs the item from your hands! Possibly your cart!
This is a major Festive Fisty Pudding moment, especially if that item was for that persons child! So I say it once, I say it again. Avoid Festive Fisty Pudding by keeping your damn hands out of other people's carts, and do not even think about grabbing, unless you want a face filled of cherry sauce.

Rule #3
The most crucial rule of all.

DO NOT cut someone in line. This random act of stupidness could lead to instant Festive Fisty Pudding!

Odds are the person you just cut recently endured a parking space battle, and just suffered battle wounds for fighting for the last item on the shelf... and now you are thinking about cutting them?! Hah! Good luck with that. I hope you enjoy the taste of Festive Fisty Pudding because as I said, cutting will lead to instant Festive Fisty Pudding!

Happy Holidays!
Stay safe!

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